How do you feel about it now?
Guilt.
Feeling guilty.
Wow. This is a difficult topic for me to discuss. Mainly because guilty feelings are very intense for me. They effect me for days or weeks even. I lose my appetite and lose sleep over that feeling. Thinking about it and talking it still brings those feelings up, but I will try to do my best to honest and open. I think that is why it is in our nature (or God given) that we feel guilt; to teach us to learn from our mistakes and not repeat them.
First of all, there are a couple types of guilt; guilt that you know you've done something wrong and guilt of being caught doing something. I'll talk about the first one, true guilt of doing something wrong according to your own conscience.
As I said in a previous post, I have no secrets. There isn't anything I can't talk about so this subject is testing me on that statement. So... here goes.
A time when I felt guilty was when I was with Valdamort. We were painting his daughter's bedroom. He got a call and went into the other room to talk. As I walked past the room to go wash my hands or something I overheard this: "Thanks for your offer, but if you were here I know we wouldn't get much work done." Followed by, "OK, bye, love you!" I asked: "Who was that?" He stammered and then said: "My friend [Robert] from med school" (Said friend Robert is straight and I didn't think they were all that close to be saying "love you" to each other.) I knew something wasn't right from the previous remark about getting no work done and the gut feeling was that he was hiding something from me.
I'm ashamed to write this as I was ashamed to admit it to him later, but I checked his phone when he wasn't around. I felt (and still feel) a lot of guilt over that, not respecting his privacy and just not trusting his word. By the way, gut feeling was right, he had been talking to an old fuckbuddy. So, added to my guilt was the knowledge that he had lied to me. I gave him more opportunities to come clean about who he was talking to but he never did. My guilt got so bad that days later I finally did tell him. He never apologized to me for lying, but he used my guilt to make things my fault for the remainder of the relationship.
In hindsight, I should have faced reality and realized the relationship would never work. But I was determined to have someone in my life at any cost. This is why I have remained single for so long after the breakup, to make sure I am happy and can face reality. I was doing things like this in the relationship and I didn't like who I was becoming. It would have been better to admit and accept reality.
I have vowed to live my life with no regrets and this has made me much happier! I haven't felt this kind of guilt for a long time now.
How do you react to guilt? How have you learned from feeling guilty?
5 comments:
This post did NOT end the way I thought it was going to. After you caught him and proved that your suspicions were justified your guilt should have gone out the window right then and there.
I thought you were going to tell us you were wrong and your snooping lead to your breakup. Forgive me for thinking that. I tell friends "I love you" and use "xoxo" in emails all the time, but now I think maybe I should tone that down for fear Greg will suspect infidelity. I don't want to put Greg in the position of snooping on me and being racked with guilt over it.
I sit here scratching my head, only becoming familiar with you a few months ago and already thinking you are by far the happiest guy on the internet (yes, even happier than that crazy-ass cajun, and he is riding a big spike on the happiness scale!) and certainly one of the happiest in general, wondering why you are single. I understand more now.
I just can't fathom anyone doing wrong by you Jim. That guy was so stupid. I'm glad you have released yourself from your guilt.
Um, I'm not sure why YOU are feeling guilt over that one. Guilty for correctly not trusting the guy? Guilty for his indiscretion??
Save the guilt for something like hitting a parked car and then leaving the scene...
Or accidently breaking an old persons hip
I haven't felt guilt since I left my church-going days many many years ago. But during that particular time of my life (35 years long!), there was so much guilt I couldnt' stand it....filled with days and nights of praying for forgiveness and trying trying trying to be different. Thanks god that my faith, vision, hope, and reason for living have changed.
Guilt is a wasted emotion. I have felt so much guilt in my situation... married for 15 years then coming out to her. To this day (3 years later) I still have bouts of guilt. But we live our lives and do the best we can. I didn't purposefully try to hurt my wife. People didn't purposely shame me into the closet... well maybe a little. I still love her and my kids. I still hate that I made her feel bad.
I rarely feel guilty, except for things I really should have done but didn't. Otherwise, I do what I feel is right at the moment, given the information at hand and other circumstances and giving the benefit of doubt, I move on.
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